Confidential tape script of an alleged recent telephone chat between two major Premier League personalities (Chairman and Manager) has recently passed into the hands of Premiercaraccessories.com. We cannot vouch for its validity, obviously. 

• JM: Hallo, this is Jose Mourinho. I understand you want to talk to me, Daniel.
• DL: Morning Jose. You know me, I’m straight as a dye, so I’ll come to the point right away. You need a right back and I have the best right back in the country, available for you right now.
• JM: What ees you talk about. I ‘ave two very good right backs already.
• DL: But Jose, I have for you the best right back in the country and one of the most outstanding defenders of his generation. Yes, that’s right, Jose, for a limited period I am offering you, for a very special price, none other than Kyle Walker ‘ACHEE!ters’ (sneezing sound obliterates the final word).
• JM: What ees that noise?
• DL: Sorry, I’ve got a cold. Was just sneezing. Anyway, as I was saying, Kyle Walker ‘ACHEE!ters’, the best right back on the planet. 35 mill for you. Bargain.
• JM: Thees Kyle Walker you say, you already sell him to Man City. You talk about Kyle Walker Peters and you make stupid sneezing noise to cover up last part of name.
• DL: Jose, my reputation speaks for itself. Ask anyone in the game and they’ll tell you all about me. Straight as a dye, me. Alex will vouch for me, for example. We did loads of deals together.
• JM: Meester Ferguson, when he talk about you he always call you ‘Blofeld’. 
• DL: Oh. Well, how about a nice suit then. Top drawer.
• JM: F**k off you preek. I learn all about your Mr Byrite suits from Meester Robson. He call your shop Mr Buyshite after you sell suits to England team for Euro 88, and they all come apart at seams….

 (PS Actually, we can vouch for the non validity of this alleged conversation, as we wrote it ourselves).

 Daily Mirror